My new life

So, today I start my first big job. Means 2 weeks straight working away, then take 2 days off then 2 weeks straight, away in another part of the country, then 2 days off etc etc etc.

And this takes me to Christmas.

Not the easiest job in the world, miss my friends and family so much as most of my 2 days back home is spent desperately sleeping to be bright eyed and raring to go on the next job.

Hmmm, not so sure about the working to live...more like living to work!

Can't complain though, I love what I do so we take the good along with the bad. Already dreaming of my Christmas day dinner though.

Spent my last day of freedom with my family trying to explain why they won't see me much. They still moan a lot about it but I think they see why I do it.

I wonder how this job would have affected my relationship had I still been married. Maybe we would have kept going, not seeing eachother meaning not dealing with the problems. Or would it have made it easier to walk. Who knows!

I haven't seen the ex for a couple of weeks now. I hear he's not doing so well. People have been calling me...expecting me to be a in a total state and attempting to make me feel guilty when they discover I'm not.

I still say this is the best move I ever made in my life. I'm happier now than I have been for the last couple of years and I'm getting on with it. So why can't people just be happy cos I'm happy, instead of giving me the third degree about how my ex is feeling. I don't know and to be honest, it's not my damn problem anymore.

I recently confided in my sister about my special mate. She has, in turn, decided to inform my entire family. So now, not only do I get asked how my ex is, I get asked how my 'buddy' is. I'm not saying a word...yet they're not letting it drop. I think they're expecting me to bring him over for a family lunch....ain't gonna happen! Will explain why at a later date when I'm feeling braver to explain the entire nightmare of a situation. I never make it easy for myself!

Anyway, I best be off to start my 3 hour trek across England and at least pretend to do some work.

Well, been a terrible blogger. Haven't blogged for acouple of days due to being away with work.

Had the most useless day...had to go into London to do a recruitment event- had about 8 people to hold event..not cheap to get that lot in and feed. So, sat there for about 4 hours with not a soul showing up. Thought it was abit odd, normally get about 30 people. So, started to question the guy who organised it and found out he'd run the ad on the wrong damn day. What a total idiot and a waste of my time. Hmmmmmmmm.

So, feeling knackered. Think it's the tube that does it to me. Feel sorry for all you commuters. Not for me...will keep to the M25.

Sleep is needed now.

Another long day. Seem to be having real problems sleeping in. Never had a problem before now but it's just not happening. So, yet again get up at a ridiculous hour and went shopping. Not very productive or interesting I'm afraid.

Went home and decided to cook a traditional Sunday curry. Hmmmmm, maybe that's where it all went wrong. The curry itself....delicious but I made the ultimate mistake....impatience. The rice had been boiling away and just as I thought it was ready, I plated up and sat down to enjoy tea and a movie. As I chewed...the rice crunched. Not pleasant. Was so pissed off that I made myself eat it anyway. Thats gonna sit for a good few days on the gut!!

I sit here knowing I have to get so much done for work tomorrow and a pile of ironing which I've put off for weeks.

Whatever happeneded to our day of rest??

So, today my sister came to see me with her daughter. We spent a really nice day out together and joined our ma for lunch. They started to quiz me about my recently ended marriage. I think they caught me on a bad day as normally not a word would have emerged from my lips. But....today, I said to much.

I think they were pretty shocked really but thats that. They asked, I told.

They'll get over it.....I have.

Was so tired last night that I ended up passing out at 8pm. How disturbing. Think I'm getting old. Got up at 6am today and had my first bad roomie experience...took 5 days to happen at least!

With my job, it's rare I have to get up for work at the normal time of 9-5'ers. Today I did. Realised that the one bathroom that was housing all my stuff had someone else residing in it. Unfortunately, never paid much attention to the grand tour when I moved in and couldn't remember where the other bathroom was...so, rather than open the door to another person's room, I decided to hop about abit trying not to wet myself. The person finally came poked her hand out the door with my toothbrush and said the words 'upstairs on the left'. How polite at 6am.

Reminder to self- get up 10 minutes earlier tomorrow to piss said person off.

Work was average. Was holding exams again today (of which I will be doing tomorrow). Had a girl who didn't read English very well today so spent most of the exam going through it with her desperately trying not to look pained when she answered them incorrectly. Scary stuff.

So, another day passes. Rather dull actually. Nevermind, I'm sure some dramatic event will hit sooner rather than later and I'll be complaining why I'm not normal again!!!

Went to work to do some recruitment. Had a good turn out including some of the gods of the company. They sat at the back of the room and decided to pull everything I did apart....but later explain that they're just trying to find out what happens and what we could do to improve it. I wish I had turned around to them and told them to take the bloody event and let me criticise them! Bloody gods, you can never say what you want without being on the receiving end of a P45 no matter how much bull shit they talk.

Anyway, was proper fuming by the end of the night. They made me look a total idiot infront of my managers...really could have lost it.

So, finally got out of this rather embarassing night (even though we did get some good people...thank god one thing went right!). Decided to meet up with a 'special' friend.

A special friend whose been in my life for a while.

Lets just say...big smiles and laughs were had.

People will say, should you be doing that, so quickly after moving out of the marital home, but others would say....get what you've missed for so long when you can!!!!

Still smiling now....I'm with the latter group!

So, am in my new home. Well, not right now as I have no net access yet so am actually nicking a pals line. Woke up yesterday morning feeling well and truly terrified. My mate turned up with his van and I tried to have a laugh and a joke as we loaded it while my insides were shaking.

Another load of horrible goodbyes then we hit the road, including a faily formal nod to my ex-husband.

Luckily I was taking my own car to the new town so I had my music on full blast trying not to think about what was about to happen at the same time as literally telling myself to get on with it...lucky I was on my own or think I would have been sectioned.

Got the new house, unloaded and unpacked. Most of the flatmates were out so got to settle alone. It's not quite the 'Friends' style of living I was expecting.

Was getting ready for my first night in my new room....when that friend who stood me up the night before made a unexpected appearance. I couldn't have been happier to see him. We had such a fantastic night and made me feel so much more like this was the right thing to do.

I went to bed feeling bloody fantastic. I love being back in my old town, in my new home surrounded by fantastic friends.

Things are finally going my way......now I just got to get the internet installed!

So today I pack. The big moving date is tomorrow. Spent all morning making sure the boxes are sealed, I haven't missed any of my belongings and sneakely trying to get some of my ex's belongings in without being noticed.

Had to say some pretty horrible goodbyes today. My old business and my private life were connected in many ways so had some old faces to bid farewell to. It's been a pretty hard day so fair.

Bit pissed off to. Was meant to be meeting up with a pal tonight. Since I'm moving quite far away, I really wanted to spend one last night having a giggle together cos god knows when our diaries will agree a time in the future to meet. But he's been called to a meeting and doesn't think he can make it now. Pants.

So, it looks like a final night in the house. Bit of mixed emotions about that. In some ways can't wait to get out of here and in others, scared about moving into a new pad with strangers.

I suppose thats why I wanted to see my friend today. One of the only people I'm 100% honest with about how I'm really feeling and know that I'm understood and never judged. I feel like I want to scream...I want tomorrow to come now but let it go well and let me be happy.

I think it's all really hitting me now. I really am leaving.

Have I made the right decision??

This morning I was training about 15 people to take an exam. The group listened really well, were interactive and interested in the subject. It came to the point where all the training was complete. I gave them all a break whilst I checked over the exam to make sure I had covered everything. The group returned, the papers were handed out, and the timings checked.

As I stood there, watching them all checking no cheating occurred (very serious stuff), I wondered how many of them would pass. Then an awful thought hit me, what if I've messed up big time, and they all failed.

I remember when I had to take my exams, first in school, college, then my work. The feeling of nervousness, anxiousness...things that as a trainer, you have to deal with every day. But today, for the first time, I realised my own level of nervousness for them.

I don't know what the results will be. But I do know that I will be checking my computer every day in the hope of finding out...just as I know they will be too.

So, recently took on a new job. An incredibly different job to what I've done in my entire working life. It's been a major change involving managing my own diary, night meetings, lots of staying in hotels for long periods of time etc.

I left home to start work at 5am today. Got home at 10pm. I look back at my previous couple of months in my new role and see a similar pattern.

It's been a pretty stressful time in my life recently, what with the split added on top of the job as well as finding a place to live and I look in the mirror and am starting to see it in my face. You know when you are on the receiving end of "you look knackered" that secretly they're saying..."you look like crap". The bags, the extra lines...I have yet to find any makeup company that manages to hide that much for a 16 hour shift where the only time to reapply it is on the M25 doing 100 miles an hour to make it in time for the next meeting.

And why is it...anyone who works at night will understand..that when you arrive home, you have this burst of energy that just will not allow you to fall into bed and pass out...no, you end up actually going to your rest at about 2am!

I sit here in the knowledge that it all kicks off again in just a few hours and I have a to-do list that will keep me working into the early hours of tomorrow morning.

I've decided to add to that list...call boss..and ask when do I sleep sir????

For the first time in weeks, I have come home from work before 11pm. Can't believe it! It's only 8.30pm and I have no idea what to do this myself! Dinner is in the oven, watching some trash on tv and am even considering an early night. This is amazing.

So, to follow on from yesterday's blog...I got up at the obscene time of 5am. Had to wake the ex up at 5.30am and left the house to retrieve my diseased car. Called the AA on the way who I must say, were bloody fantastic..ok, he didn't know what was wrong with it but it seemed to have got over it's little moment last night. Mr. AA, my hero, even followed me for half an hour into my journey to make sure I was ok. Loving the AA today.

Did a cross country drive for a few hours and ended up being only an hour late for my meeting. Very impressive without breaking too many laws.

Meeting was good. Got a lot of information today and realised how crazy my working life is going to be from now until Christmas. So, gotta take these early nights whilst I can!

Drove home and here I am. Was just thinking, I've had 3 new cars in the last year and each one has had to have the AA attend to it in the first month of me owning it. Hmmm, strange. I don't seem to pick well in cars or husbands! No, I shouldn't complain. He could have quite easily told me where to go but didn't. Blimey, I think I just said something nice about my ex. I'm sure that will change tomorrow!

So, a fairly uneventful day. First one of them in a while as well actually. It's been sort of nice.

Off to eat, watch trash and sleep now. Happy dreams.

So, got up nice and early this morning as I'm so behind on paperwork it was starting to keep me awake at night. Why is it that the phone never stops ringing on a Monday morning?? I finally got my work done when people decided to allow me that pleasure and left for a delightful night meeting to start at 6.30pm.

I drove for 2 and a half hours to get to this particular meeting, in the middle of no-where. I arrive to find half the people weren't attending who should have been, discovering my horrific journey in the torrential rain was for nothing.

After a very quick 2 hour meeting, with numourous cups of tea, I decided to start my journey home. I got into my car, got to the blackest, curviest road I've ever seen, and my NEW car decided it wasn't having it and promptly died. The language that came out of my mouth couldn't be repeated here without many readers blushing. The worst part of all, along with my car dying, my mobile battery decided to do the same bloody thing.

I then managed to get the car back to the hotel the meeting was at. The only phone number I could remember of a person at the meeting was of course..my boss. I called him to discover he was already on the motorway but the star that he is turned back round to pick me up. The only problem being we live acouple of hours from eachother.

So, the solution....a grovelling phone call to the soon to be ex-husband. His house is fairly close to my bosses, so had to call and explain I had no-where to go. The ultimate humiliation.

I now have the added pain of being driven back to my car in the morning...by the ex....to call the AA out and get to another meeting, 3 hours away by 10am.

You know when you think it just can't get any bit worse than it already it...and then you reach a new level of absolute shite.

Feeling very sorry for myself tonight...what a muppet. Tomorrow will be another day...it had just better be a good one!!

It couldn't all go well could it! Since I've moved out of my home and have been in the process of finding a new one, I've been crashing, as you do, at friends and families houses. The prospect of having to tell my mother that my marriage has fallen apart was bad enough, but having to move back in with her was horror beyond belief but with that option compared to Marks and Spencers shop front, the decision was made.

Today I decided, as a thank you for the use of her sofa, to take her out. She wanted to go to some market so as the dutiful and grateful daughter, I trailed along behind her trying not to kick my heels in the dirt or jump into any puddles. She then decided she wanted to get some food shopping...I know, an exciting day out but it's want she wanted I promise! We arrived at the supermarket and had decided upon our evening meal. I continued to walk alongside her..trying not to stray too far of course. About 15 minutes in, she decided I wasn't "enthusiatic" enough about the rump steak she was about to cremate and stormed out of the shop.

Now, it's been many years since I've lived at home. So why is it, the minute I'm not in a "stable relationship" I've returned to being a child again??? I know it's her way of being kind and her way of protecting her off-spring but my god did it piss me off.

After this joyful time, I just had to get out of the house. I called an incredible friend who allowed me to tag along with her daughter and husband on a walk. Sounds nice doesn't it, except the only bit of exercise I've down in the last ten years involve working the arm muscles from plate to mouth, and this wasn't a walk, it was a two hour hike.

So, I stumbled along behind them, with my trusty benson and hedges keeping me company wrapped in my own thoughts. Around me was the warm sun beating down on the beautiful countryside where I rambled, taking in the fresh, yet slighly smokey, cool air and realised I've never felt so free.

In a 6 days time (not that I'm getting desperate or anything) I move into my new home, my own space. Freedom to do what I want when I please.

I returned back to my mothers feeling nothing else really mattered...I can do whatever the hell I want.

Well, what a few weeks it's been. In the space of 14 days, I've managed to leave my husband, start a new career, find a place to live in a new town, get a new car and get a new laptop!

I sit here wondering where the hell to start writing. I think about typing about my past, where it all went wrong, but then think do I really want to go there! Do I look forward to a much brighter future or panic about how much I've taken on?

After so long of thinking about it, I've finally changed my life, my whole life. Everything I've known and grown accustomed to is gone and now I'm left with this horrible feeling of can I really do this alongside that awful word....alone. Deep down I know I can. I'm strong and refuse to be bought down! Stubborn others would say to be seen as weak or needing help. One of the things I've hated most about these last 14 days..having to ask for help especially in regard to finances and homelessness!

I think one of the most positive things to come out of this whole experience, is that I've seen what truly amazing friends and family I have surrounding me. People I know I can count on whenever things get a little too much.

So, what does the future hold for me now?? A job to learn and hopefully succeed in, a new home with new roomies to settle with (been a while since I've had flatmates!). It's going to be an interesting ride both in the new car and the new life.