My new life

So, I've spent the last couple of days in the business I opened in December. And I have the biggest crush ever on the manager on the job. He wants me go and work in his business permenately but I have a funny feeling we wouldn't get much work done!

I'm a tad bit old for crushes but man alive do I love the feeling I get when I'm with him. Spent all day on the computer with him drinking tea and smoking...so rare to find a good smoker!

But...as luck would have it...fairly frowned upon to dip the ink in the company well so that's the end of that one!

But each time I see him...I know I'm gonna get that fabulous feeling.

I feel my cheeks flushing even now.

So, today I went to spend the day with my uncle and aunt...my fathers brother. Now, I don't actually have anything to do with my father but his brother pretty much bought me up as one of his own so his wife is kind of like my 2nd ma and his sons are like brothers.

It's the most craziest house in the world. People are always coming over for a cuppa or just dropping in cos there's a roast in the oven. There's no airs and graces, just old school Londoners having a good time.

I always love the atmosphere there and when I manage to get a place of my own, they inspire me to fill it with people, laughter, fun, warmth and love. Everyone's welcome whether it be for a gossip, a story or a shoulder to cry on.

Not just a house.....a home.

So, had my first christmas with my family in a long long time. Normally I work throughout it, even on christmas day (what a shit life I hear you say!). This year, I managed to take it off. It consisted of-

Christmas Eve Eve- travelled to my sisters. Had to go and pick up the christmas dinner from M&S. Now, it's not what I remembered it being. Everything came ready prepared in foil packets which you just threw in the oven. Now, my sisters husband had been going on and on about how he always made the dinner every year...very impressive I thought till I saw its microwavable times. Had a little wonder around the shops trying to find a good present for my special mate while my family quizzed me constantly about him. How do you explain the 'buddy' to your mother and the reason why you won't bring him round for tea and biscuits or the reason why a shirt is not the right kind of gift??

Christmas Eve- went to the cinema with the kid to watch happy feet- now I've never been particularly into kids films but was forced to go along. Now, I've seen a few kid movies like monster inc and shrek but what the hell is happy feet about?? A penguin with dodgy legs and an inability to reproduce set to the theme song of boogie wonderland????? Sheer hell. My sisters husband decided to skip dodgy feet and go to the pub instead. I tried to join him but was not allowed. After cinema, had a rather drunken call to say come down of which we did. As soon we pulled up, sis and hubby had a huge domestic in the carpark. Now this was how I remember christmas! Did the whole leaving out the mince pie with the kid who decided Santa also wanted some coke and chewing gum...don't ask...no idea either. Put kid to bed and ran around house, hunting down hidden gifts.

Christmas Day- didn't change out of my pajamas all day long. Opened enough presents to stock a toys r us for the next year with the kid and happily sat on my arse watching the sisters husband cook dinner. Ate far too much. Watched trash on tv. Played singstar and buzz on playstation. Napped. Watched film. Slept. Perfect.

Boxing Day- starting to get really pissed off with the family now. Left the sisters and took my mum to london to see the sound of music. Decided to do some retail shopping and bought sod all in the sales...all full price. Still, needed a pick me up. Finally got home at 11pm. Slept.

So, today had my last work meeting. Had to go through the next job with the guy who has been chosen to run the job long term. Now, I don't choose the people who do this. I just go into each job for a couple of weeks, get them up and running and toddle off to get the next one going. On each job, I meet the guy or gal who will be running our businesses for the future. Today I met the January guy. Serious reservations. Now, normally I wouldn't really base my thoughts on first impressions but this guy really worries me. Great! Just what I need for the first job of 2007!! I can see this one dragging. I actually have quite an easy month in January. Only one job to do. Makes up for the rest of the year where I'll be happy to get a day off at all! I foresee 2007 being a career focused year. Works for me mind, stops me thinking about everything else.

After the meeting, I thought it really is time to get my christmas shopping done. Everyone who knows me gets how organised I am and for the first time in my life, I didn't get my gifts in November. I rushed about Next, Waterstones and Boots like my life was about to end. Still fairly disappointed in myself for my incredibly awful presents but thats it. Go away to my sisters tomorrow and will spend the weekend getting the brussels ready.

Funnily enough, just can't get into the Christmas mood. I honestly wish I was working like every other year. It's the first time I've spent with my family in 7 years. Never been the family person let alone a christmas person. Just got to keep smiling this year. So much has happened and is still going on...kind of waiting for it to end and the chance of a new year. I really really really hope it's a good one.

So, today still feeling pretty bad. Decided it is time to have my first day off sick. All the bosses are aware of whats happened so are being very good and understanding. Unfortunately, I actually really wanted to go to work today. All the team are meeting up tonight for dinner, drinks and a bit of a boogie as a thank god December is over with. I was not going to be much fun to decided not to go. Really really really pissed off about it but can't be helped.

Instead, sat at home in my pajamas, watching....the preachers wife. Now that is a fantastic depressing Christmas film. So, shed a mini tear watching that in between having a massive admin day starting from 9am till 5pm. Just sat under my duvet making call after call, writing email after email.

I sit here thinking where was my rest! Just can't switch off today. After working away for a couple of weeks, I get back and realise how behind I am on planning for the future jobs. Think I'm fairly caught up now. Just don't want anything hanging over my head whilst I'm trying to spend Christmas with the family. I'll be sneaking into my sister's office to fire off a ton of emails in the middle of the night!

Still feels like my brain exploded and decided to fall out of my ear. Lovely thought I know!!

Right, off to get my rest now....

So, drove down the M25 today to go and watch my niece's nativity play. All the family have been really exicited about her 'debut' so we all lined up with the cameras then the kid decided to get all nervous, had a diva moment...as all actresses do I'm sure....and ran away.

I thought this was hilarious. Her mother didn't. I also managed to really piss off my sister as when we were waiting for the performance to begin, all the parents were in this room and I had a bit of a sneezing moment. My sister turned around and asked if I was alright. What with my dodgy ear, didn't realise how loud I was talking when I said 'yeah I'm fine, just allergic to children'.

It then took me 3 bloody hours stuck coming back on the M25 for a journey that should have taken 45 minutes. Bloody nightmare trip.

Ear still a total mess. Got to go to hospital now to get it checked out. Ultimate fear. The sad part inside me refuses to go alone and have managed to persuade my ma to take me!! Really really freaks me out. When will I ever grow up and do something without my mother.

Feeling abit down at the moment. Coming up to time of year I've always hated. This year it just feels worse. Don't know if it's cos I'm not well or other reasons. Gotta snap out of it. Spending Christmas with the kid and got to make it special.

Off to sleep now...yawn.....

So, just got back from another job. Went really well and am now planning some serious skiving up to Christmas.

Last night, had our big opening party. Had all the bosses there. Was a brilliant night. Anyway, had my special mate come and stayed with me last night. Was feeling abit ropey but nothing major. He gave me this amazing Christmas present so felt a bit bad about turning over needing my sleep! Woke up throughout the night with a really bad earache. About 6am, he woke up to ask what the hell was wrong with me. My ear was so bad and all of a sudden decided to explode....with blood. Arghhhhhhhhh! I totally freaked out. Looking back it was hilarious. He rushed me to A&E who discovered it was a perferated (no idea how to spell that! eardrum. Now, I sit at home, feeling rather sorry for myself and in quite a bit of pain.

Got a nativity play to go to tomorrow. In a way, quite good timing for deafness!

Just looking forward to catching up on some sleep now. Really felt that last job. Must be the knowledge of a fair bit of time off coming up. Can't wait!!!

So, tonight I was looking forward to my special mate joining me whilst I'm working away. Tried contacting him yesterday to find out what time he'd be arriving...no answer. He finally TEXT me this morning to inform me that he wouldn't be coming.

The thing is, this isn't the first time. This relationship, if you can call it that, is really starting to grate.

We met a long time ago, been great friends for a long time and discovered over the last 18 months there is more there. At the time I was married...as was he. Yes, we did a pretty bad thing. Both our marriages were falling apart and instead of dealing with that, we found comfort and fun in eachother. I eventually left my husband, not for the other man, but for myself.

The relationship has continued, with him talking about leaving his wife but not actually doing it. I've never asked him to do that and would never put the pressue on by asking him to leave for me.

I do love this guy, but deep down I know he'll never be able to give me what I want or need. But I just can't stop it. When we're together it's so good but he can be a complete jeckell and hyde. One day he'll want to be with me, the next he won't even pick up the phone. It's getting so confusing and frustrating.

No-one knows about us and due to difficult cirmcumstances, it really must never come out, even if he did leave her. Makes it hard not being able to talk about it even though my friends would tell me to run...fast!

I really need to get this straight in my head. Need some serious thinking about what I want from life. I just miss the typical couple stuff....going to the store together, cooking together, going to the movies. All normal things.

All I want to be loved and cared for. I just don't think he's the one to do that. You'd think I'd have learnt from my marriage, but obviously not!

So, today I'm getting all my things ready to go away for another couple of weeks...you can imagine the size of the suitcase. Got a long old trek ahead of me tomorrow to start work on Friday. It doesn't matter how often I do my job, I still get nervous. What an odd ball.

Due to not being back now till the 19th Dec, and having to work right up to christmas day, I've been spending the last few days getting all the cards and presents done. I feel really bad about it as the presents are so rushed and unoriginal. Normally I take my time and get things that I know people would love. This year it's really pants. It also doesn't help that for the last six years I've been able to get some really great gifts but now I'm on my own, the budget just won't stretch. People have been saying not to bother but how can you turn up to the families house on Christmas morning with no gifts in tow. Now that would be pants!

Wrote all the cards this morning then realised I have no-ones addresses. That just shows how must email has taken over. The art of letter writing is long dead. So I've had to send out a ton of texts trying to get the addresses. Probably spent more on the texts than I have on the cards themselves! Next year I'm going to send those online cards. Saves on the stamps!

As you can probably tell, I'm a total Scrooge. I actually hate Christmas and would rather be in a sunny country on the beach having a BBQ than talk to family members who rarely remember who you are, surrounded by kids eating dried up turkey.

Because I'm in a hotel for the next couple of weeks, my family thought it would be really fun to get me a christmas tree to take with me to decorate for my room. It is actually in my car...where it will remain.

Ok, off for now....to find my christmas spirit! Jingle bells and all that crap.

Last night I went to spend some time with an old friend. A mate who is also in the process of getting divorced. Difference is, she's been 'going through the process' for the past 2 years and is still stuck in the same place she was at the beginning. She and her ex have two kids and neither of them seems to see what their actions are doing to them.

The pair have argued so much over finances and custody, and now are to the point that both things are about to be taken out of their control.

I realised yesterday how sad it really can be. When I have bad days, feeling abit sorry for myself, I really must realise that i have it easy. I walked out of an unhappy marriage with an ex who at least made sure I was going to be okay instead of wasting time and money trying to make eachother as miserable as possible.

Luckily for us, we don't have kids but coming from a childhood with parents who very messily divorced, I know what it's like to be on that side.

People forget how a divorce doesn't just affect your life, but also the lives of others around you. You might fall out of love, but at least respect eachother enough for your kids happiness.

So, been a whole two weeks since I blogged. Been on a big job where I did get rather ill. Infact, did the whole job sneezing and coughing over the entire staff who, in turn, caught it. At least I spread the love.

The job went really well. Lots of emails to pat me on the back. How the hell I managed it is still beyond me. The whole thing went so wrong but was easily hidden! I really ought to be in sales...never mind blogging...it's all in the blagging!

So, I returned home to find out one of my roommates has turned psyhco and kicked in the door of another roommate. How do I find these people?? All seems a little to quiet in the house so waiting for it all to kick off.

Taking a good few days off now to be ready for the next job.

Spending tonight doing the family thing...dinner on the lap infront of I'm a celeb. Friday night's just don't get more exciting than this. Then tomorrow I'm off to spend the weekend with a mate.

My special mate visited me for a couple of days whilst I was away but thats just got even more complicated. Starting to wonder if it's worth it. We shall see. Maybe I'll get Christmas over with and re-evaluate then.

Hate this time of year. Even when I was with someone. Why is it so damn depressing??

Anyways, off for tea now. Blog later.