So, tonight I was looking forward to my special mate joining me whilst I'm working away. Tried contacting him yesterday to find out what time he'd be arriving...no answer. He finally TEXT me this morning to inform me that he wouldn't be coming.

The thing is, this isn't the first time. This relationship, if you can call it that, is really starting to grate.

We met a long time ago, been great friends for a long time and discovered over the last 18 months there is more there. At the time I was married...as was he. Yes, we did a pretty bad thing. Both our marriages were falling apart and instead of dealing with that, we found comfort and fun in eachother. I eventually left my husband, not for the other man, but for myself.

The relationship has continued, with him talking about leaving his wife but not actually doing it. I've never asked him to do that and would never put the pressue on by asking him to leave for me.

I do love this guy, but deep down I know he'll never be able to give me what I want or need. But I just can't stop it. When we're together it's so good but he can be a complete jeckell and hyde. One day he'll want to be with me, the next he won't even pick up the phone. It's getting so confusing and frustrating.

No-one knows about us and due to difficult cirmcumstances, it really must never come out, even if he did leave her. Makes it hard not being able to talk about it even though my friends would tell me to run...fast!

I really need to get this straight in my head. Need some serious thinking about what I want from life. I just miss the typical couple stuff....going to the store together, cooking together, going to the movies. All normal things.

All I want to be loved and cared for. I just don't think he's the one to do that. You'd think I'd have learnt from my marriage, but obviously not!