My new life

So, drove down the M25 today to go and watch my niece's nativity play. All the family have been really exicited about her 'debut' so we all lined up with the cameras then the kid decided to get all nervous, had a diva moment...as all actresses do I'm sure....and ran away.

I thought this was hilarious. Her mother didn't. I also managed to really piss off my sister as when we were waiting for the performance to begin, all the parents were in this room and I had a bit of a sneezing moment. My sister turned around and asked if I was alright. What with my dodgy ear, didn't realise how loud I was talking when I said 'yeah I'm fine, just allergic to children'.

It then took me 3 bloody hours stuck coming back on the M25 for a journey that should have taken 45 minutes. Bloody nightmare trip.

Ear still a total mess. Got to go to hospital now to get it checked out. Ultimate fear. The sad part inside me refuses to go alone and have managed to persuade my ma to take me!! Really really freaks me out. When will I ever grow up and do something without my mother.

Feeling abit down at the moment. Coming up to time of year I've always hated. This year it just feels worse. Don't know if it's cos I'm not well or other reasons. Gotta snap out of it. Spending Christmas with the kid and got to make it special.

Off to sleep now...yawn.....

So, just got back from another job. Went really well and am now planning some serious skiving up to Christmas.

Last night, had our big opening party. Had all the bosses there. Was a brilliant night. Anyway, had my special mate come and stayed with me last night. Was feeling abit ropey but nothing major. He gave me this amazing Christmas present so felt a bit bad about turning over needing my sleep! Woke up throughout the night with a really bad earache. About 6am, he woke up to ask what the hell was wrong with me. My ear was so bad and all of a sudden decided to explode....with blood. Arghhhhhhhhh! I totally freaked out. Looking back it was hilarious. He rushed me to A&E who discovered it was a perferated (no idea how to spell that! eardrum. Now, I sit at home, feeling rather sorry for myself and in quite a bit of pain.

Got a nativity play to go to tomorrow. In a way, quite good timing for deafness!

Just looking forward to catching up on some sleep now. Really felt that last job. Must be the knowledge of a fair bit of time off coming up. Can't wait!!!

So, tonight I was looking forward to my special mate joining me whilst I'm working away. Tried contacting him yesterday to find out what time he'd be arriving...no answer. He finally TEXT me this morning to inform me that he wouldn't be coming.

The thing is, this isn't the first time. This relationship, if you can call it that, is really starting to grate.

We met a long time ago, been great friends for a long time and discovered over the last 18 months there is more there. At the time I was married...as was he. Yes, we did a pretty bad thing. Both our marriages were falling apart and instead of dealing with that, we found comfort and fun in eachother. I eventually left my husband, not for the other man, but for myself.

The relationship has continued, with him talking about leaving his wife but not actually doing it. I've never asked him to do that and would never put the pressue on by asking him to leave for me.

I do love this guy, but deep down I know he'll never be able to give me what I want or need. But I just can't stop it. When we're together it's so good but he can be a complete jeckell and hyde. One day he'll want to be with me, the next he won't even pick up the phone. It's getting so confusing and frustrating.

No-one knows about us and due to difficult cirmcumstances, it really must never come out, even if he did leave her. Makes it hard not being able to talk about it even though my friends would tell me to run...fast!

I really need to get this straight in my head. Need some serious thinking about what I want from life. I just miss the typical couple stuff....going to the store together, cooking together, going to the movies. All normal things.

All I want to be loved and cared for. I just don't think he's the one to do that. You'd think I'd have learnt from my marriage, but obviously not!

So, today I'm getting all my things ready to go away for another couple of weeks...you can imagine the size of the suitcase. Got a long old trek ahead of me tomorrow to start work on Friday. It doesn't matter how often I do my job, I still get nervous. What an odd ball.

Due to not being back now till the 19th Dec, and having to work right up to christmas day, I've been spending the last few days getting all the cards and presents done. I feel really bad about it as the presents are so rushed and unoriginal. Normally I take my time and get things that I know people would love. This year it's really pants. It also doesn't help that for the last six years I've been able to get some really great gifts but now I'm on my own, the budget just won't stretch. People have been saying not to bother but how can you turn up to the families house on Christmas morning with no gifts in tow. Now that would be pants!

Wrote all the cards this morning then realised I have no-ones addresses. That just shows how must email has taken over. The art of letter writing is long dead. So I've had to send out a ton of texts trying to get the addresses. Probably spent more on the texts than I have on the cards themselves! Next year I'm going to send those online cards. Saves on the stamps!

As you can probably tell, I'm a total Scrooge. I actually hate Christmas and would rather be in a sunny country on the beach having a BBQ than talk to family members who rarely remember who you are, surrounded by kids eating dried up turkey.

Because I'm in a hotel for the next couple of weeks, my family thought it would be really fun to get me a christmas tree to take with me to decorate for my room. It is actually in my car...where it will remain.

Ok, off for now....to find my christmas spirit! Jingle bells and all that crap.

Last night I went to spend some time with an old friend. A mate who is also in the process of getting divorced. Difference is, she's been 'going through the process' for the past 2 years and is still stuck in the same place she was at the beginning. She and her ex have two kids and neither of them seems to see what their actions are doing to them.

The pair have argued so much over finances and custody, and now are to the point that both things are about to be taken out of their control.

I realised yesterday how sad it really can be. When I have bad days, feeling abit sorry for myself, I really must realise that i have it easy. I walked out of an unhappy marriage with an ex who at least made sure I was going to be okay instead of wasting time and money trying to make eachother as miserable as possible.

Luckily for us, we don't have kids but coming from a childhood with parents who very messily divorced, I know what it's like to be on that side.

People forget how a divorce doesn't just affect your life, but also the lives of others around you. You might fall out of love, but at least respect eachother enough for your kids happiness.

So, been a whole two weeks since I blogged. Been on a big job where I did get rather ill. Infact, did the whole job sneezing and coughing over the entire staff who, in turn, caught it. At least I spread the love.

The job went really well. Lots of emails to pat me on the back. How the hell I managed it is still beyond me. The whole thing went so wrong but was easily hidden! I really ought to be in sales...never mind blogging...it's all in the blagging!

So, I returned home to find out one of my roommates has turned psyhco and kicked in the door of another roommate. How do I find these people?? All seems a little to quiet in the house so waiting for it all to kick off.

Taking a good few days off now to be ready for the next job.

Spending tonight doing the family thing...dinner on the lap infront of I'm a celeb. Friday night's just don't get more exciting than this. Then tomorrow I'm off to spend the weekend with a mate.

My special mate visited me for a couple of days whilst I was away but thats just got even more complicated. Starting to wonder if it's worth it. We shall see. Maybe I'll get Christmas over with and re-evaluate then.

Hate this time of year. Even when I was with someone. Why is it so damn depressing??

Anyways, off for tea now. Blog later.

So, today I am getting ready for another 2 week trip away with work. I went to bed last night and felt rotten. I ended up falling asleep infront of an open window in my lounge, waking up at 4am when I dragged my sorry arse back to bed.

Today I still feel awful.

The only thing is, I don't think I'm actually ill. I think it's nerves. I go into a rather large job on my own tomorrow with no supervision (what were they thinking) except a director who is looking to take me down. I honestly think that's what is making me feel like this.

At least I hope so. Cannot afford to get ill now!

I need to learn how to calm down. How to not let things get to me. Who cares if my P45 comes in the post! Arghhhhhhhhh!

I feel like crying today which is very unlike me. Feel like doing a runner and starting another new life!

I'm sure that in two weeks time once I've got this first one done I'll be ok. That is, of course, if I still have a job.

Let's wait and see!

So, woke up this morning still feeling really bad about the mean text I sent my special mate. At 9am, I decided enough was enough and sent a rather grovelling text over.

All day....nothing.

He must be rather pissed not to have replied.

Damn.

Was kind of hoping to have a visitor tomorrow night whilst I'm working away.

Big damn.

Ok, so work was good but rather long. Still meant to be working now but taking a break. What a shocking excuse! Off to see the ex-husband tomorrow. Something to look forward to! Can't complain mind as he is helping me out with something for work. Hope he doesn't gloat.

Feel so tired and so many more phone calls to make. I hope no-one in my team has a life as I will be interuppting it tonight. I must be hated!!!

Oh well....back to prison i guess!

So, yet again been a naughty blogger and not blogged for a while. This will all be explained!

Been working away for the last couple of weeks. Been such a hectic time but quite good fun working with people I adore for once.

Came home and decided to take a couple of days for some R & R, but actually ended up working for most of it!! Never been one to switch off!

Was meant to spend my first night back with my 'special mate'. Left work really late to coincide with the time we were meeting, then he cancelled an hour before when I was already on the road. Was absolutely furious. I ended up sending a rather nasty text message (I know...coward). I haven't heard from him since and as I can't speak to him at weekends, its been playing on my mind. Think an apology will be needed first thing tomorrow. Keep thinking I'm supposed to give him support and happiness, but instead I acted like everything else in his life....designed to give him shit! Oh well, hopefully he'll be nice about it.

So, since the big move, I still haven't sorted out my internet connection on my new laptop. I've been using friends and families computers every day to check my email. Doesn't make for very private blogging. I decided today to get it sorted. Called up my internet provider for my other computers, changed my package and started to install. It didn't work. I called the provider who then told me that I would need to uninstall what I had put on and start again. It still didn't work. And now I have nothing at all. I have spent 72 minutes on the phone to them trying to fix it. It still doesn't work. Yet again, fairly furious.

So, have decided to give up for today and try again tomorrow, that is after counting to a million (twice..)

Still feeling so tired from such a hard slog at work, and from Friday I'm away again to do it all over. I hope I have internet by then to blog or my patience will totally go from keeping it all inside....starting to feel the need to count to a billion!

So, today I start my first big job. Means 2 weeks straight working away, then take 2 days off then 2 weeks straight, away in another part of the country, then 2 days off etc etc etc.

And this takes me to Christmas.

Not the easiest job in the world, miss my friends and family so much as most of my 2 days back home is spent desperately sleeping to be bright eyed and raring to go on the next job.

Hmmm, not so sure about the working to live...more like living to work!

Can't complain though, I love what I do so we take the good along with the bad. Already dreaming of my Christmas day dinner though.

Spent my last day of freedom with my family trying to explain why they won't see me much. They still moan a lot about it but I think they see why I do it.

I wonder how this job would have affected my relationship had I still been married. Maybe we would have kept going, not seeing eachother meaning not dealing with the problems. Or would it have made it easier to walk. Who knows!

I haven't seen the ex for a couple of weeks now. I hear he's not doing so well. People have been calling me...expecting me to be a in a total state and attempting to make me feel guilty when they discover I'm not.

I still say this is the best move I ever made in my life. I'm happier now than I have been for the last couple of years and I'm getting on with it. So why can't people just be happy cos I'm happy, instead of giving me the third degree about how my ex is feeling. I don't know and to be honest, it's not my damn problem anymore.

I recently confided in my sister about my special mate. She has, in turn, decided to inform my entire family. So now, not only do I get asked how my ex is, I get asked how my 'buddy' is. I'm not saying a word...yet they're not letting it drop. I think they're expecting me to bring him over for a family lunch....ain't gonna happen! Will explain why at a later date when I'm feeling braver to explain the entire nightmare of a situation. I never make it easy for myself!

Anyway, I best be off to start my 3 hour trek across England and at least pretend to do some work.